Meh!

How do you explain to someone who has never felt the grips of desperate depression how you are feeling and expect them to understand the intensity without thinking you are embellishing every feeling and thought to make it sound more dramatic and get more sympathy?

The last thing you want is sympathy, you feel a burden to everyone just breathing and being alive. Like you suffering and being so bloody miserable is a total inconvenience to all the normal happy people of the world.

Everyone is fighting their own personal battle and yours is no worse than any other but it feels so all consuming that maybe one of these days it will be too much to cope with, too much to hide.

This morning I woke up feeling pretty relaxed even after being up at 2am with my youngest who was crying because of a nightmare (which in my head is probably my fault because my stupid moodiness is probably rubbing off. I am most likely sending my children straight on a path to needing a psychiatrist because of their nut job mother!) Breathe.

So anyway it is now 5:17pm and I am fully clothed and back in bed. I think I have just inhaled 4 Oreos with a cup of tea my darling husband has made me !

So from that relaxed moment until now what happened?

Getting dressed when you are depressed is fun, especially when in the depths of hell there is nothing more satisfying than to look in the mirror and pick out all the reasons you feel nothing but pure hatred towards yourself.

The main star of this show is always the humble tummy…was there ever a part of my body that deserves more respect and love than this?

Yet that voice in my head that’s constantly shouting it is fat , disgusting, shameful, and outing me to everyone that I have no control or commitment because I haven’t managed to make it smaller. As small as small can be.

I picked a pink top today, I have never worn it but it is loose fitting and bright so why not. But all day whenever I have sat down I have just seen a roll of bright pink fat in a place where there shouldn’t be ! I felt anger, I don’t want to be in this body which has let me down. I’m no athlete but I’m not lazy, I eat healthy, I don’t smoke unless I’m very drunk and I don’t drink very often so why do I look like this?

For the record I know this body has been through a lot and not let me down too much. It has survived surgeries, pregnancies and all the awful words anyone (me)could possibly throw at it but in those moments I forget and expect too much.

I have been surrounded by friends this morning who I couldn’t hold a conversation with; I have been so lost in my own thoughts and feel as though I have nothing worthwhile to add to any conversation because right now the future looks bleak that I have consciously kept quiet or sat out of the way.

In actual fact the future is very exciting, my husband has been working so hard and we have finally, after three years of ups and downs got the breakthrough we have been waiting so long for. Then why so glum ? Why so overwhelmed by worry, distress and urgency?

My husband asks me what is wrong?

If only I knew so I could fix it. I wouldn’t have crumbled in a heap on the kitchen floor sobbing that I didn’t want to feel this way anymore.

I don’t enjoy being depressed it’s a bloody nightmare that I want to wake up from, but I cannot find the elusive pinch…

Lavenders Blue Dilly Dally….

Tattoos…….

Everyone has their own opinion on them, if they like them, if they would have one, already have one, if they are OK as long as they have meaning, if only a certain type of person has them and also if they should be able to be hidden.

I discovered a company called Tattly who produce awesome temporary tattoos for children and adults who cant make up their mind and like to have a play around with something less permanent!

About a month ago after years of being very indecisive about having one on my own body I decided I wanted to join the semicolon mass and show my support for all those people overcoming depression, addiction or suicidal thoughts. It’s funny that it has taken 30 years back and forth, yet once I knew what it was I wanted I was booked in the following day

I had it behind my ear and thankfully it was painless! I cant see it unless I take a picture but I know its there, a bit like depression. I can’t see that, no one can, but I know it is always there and that’s how I like it. I know my triggers and warning signs so I can catch myself before I fall to far.

I decided not to stop there, but to have another that also meant something to me. Some or most of you may think that asking your 5 year old daughter what tattoo you should have to represent her is a crazy idea, I could have ended up with a minion, Disney princess or worse. But she actually chose a flower, lavender to be exact, I have always sang a song about lavender to her since she was a baby. I already knew I wanted a Bee to represent our youngest daughter so that was it, after a bit of research and picking of a friends brain I went for it.

I have always liked tattoos and even more so since my husband has quite a few, maybe its my age or addiction to Sons of Anarchy but his Tattoos and beard rock my world these days!

As I have previously mentioned I have a good rapport with the oldies in my family, so far one set of grandparents have ignored it even exists and my other Nan told me outright she hates tattoos and cannot understand why anybody would want to damage their body in such a way. Needless to say I didn’t go out of my way to show her, we have a kind of unspoken agreement that she wont pass judgement on my choice if I don’t point it out.

My tattoos of choice remind me life carries on, hence the semicolon and that my body and life have changed forever because of two beautiful daughters. Every time I look at it I am reminded how awesome life can be and how lucky I am.

I think I have officially caught the bug and the cogs are already in motion thinking of the next ones to have yikes!

My opinion on tattoos is like it is of most topics, each to there own, live and let live.

Enjoy your weekend.

It’s all part of the Journey.

Hey ,

Remember me,I did a few blog posts then fell off the side of the planet? Well i’m back, the cloud has lifted and I can tap away at this keyboard again.

It would seem I may have been ever so slightly depressed for the last couple of weeks,and wanted to curl up in bed and stay hidden away. It happens from time to time and I do generally manage quite well on my happy pills but for some reason the not so awesome stuff got the better of my positivity and I stacked it!

I let too many negative comments, too much lack of sleep and not enough control get the better of me.

From nowhere the mean little voices that say such awful things seeped into my subconscious and I went on a downward spiral.For anyone who has every suffered from depression it can be totally disabling and if only it was as easy as pulling yourself together!

Its like a fog has appeared and all you can see is grey, there maybe moments of fleeting sunlight but they are soon consumed.You feel worthless and like you are a burden,like you shouldn’t be around people in case your misery is catching and that its not fair to be around people and subject them to your black cloud!

Thankfully it didn’t last too long and today I have woken up happy and positive.I refuse to let the things that are not so ideal cloud the bloody awesomeness that is life and in my life those things are my husband,children,family and friends.They can’t make me happy that’s my job and its work in progress but almost everything that makes me happy is a result of having such wonderful people around me thank you so much.

Please have a read of my next blog it will be much happier I just wanted to get that off my chest, I know im not alone so I wanted to share my thoughts in the hope it will help someone else feel less alone.

Peace out.